As you probably would've seen, I kinda came into all this like a shooting star, burning with passion and with quite a velocity.
And as you probably would've seen, now I have hit a stop, a time of comparative silence compared to the daily log ins I would usually have and all that.
Truth is, I feel burnt out. Sure covering myself with lots of mess, it still brings some mental/physical stimulus but there just lies a feeling that something's off. Something isn't quite right with me and well I am now here, wanting more with no energy to acheive any of it.
People who have asked me quesitons, they would just come and go and I would feel empty. Was it friends that I was looking for? probably.
All the gunge and mess I showed interest, it just feels expensive and hard to clean. Was it relative ease that I was looking for? probably.
All the intricate body paint and injokes, it just feels far away from me and impossible to reach. Was it finesse and fame that I was looking for? probably.
To feel, that in the area that I celebrate being myself, a horny-mess-loving person, to feel burnt out there. I can definitely feel something is off.
People bring up to me, being mindful, being proud of myself, etc etc. All good stuff, all virtuous stuff yet let's put our hands on our chest and think. If you people, who are there giving me advices - who feel sound enough to give those advices - are actually capable of it. Then surely, you would understand how difficult it is for a person who's mind is so fixated at keeping its head down to look at things objectively and to be proud of whatever it may be.
I want to belong. I want to feel loved. I want to be hugged. I want to be the best. I want to avoid being the worst.